This, Too, a Respite

Wonder if in the words of your own mind you would like to read. But not too coherently. Not all the way, wondering. Just like when you put it down there and there’s something to say but you don’t have words for it till it’s put finally down, there. And there it is. You have it, for yourself. Share with me if you can words. For this. Like that. You would think. If you knew what to think, you would think: shit. That was exactly what. I had to say, you know. I could write it down there and leave it there and know, it was true, and it was true. Bent like rain falls in off arcs and doesn’t choose. This, too, like you, like me too. And the way heavy falling of gravity on your back on your legs on your lungs walking up the street’s incline. You, too, know it. Should not drink quite so much. As you are, but you are, and you know. This, too, a respite. But to come drooling from a dream and wake here right here in your space by yourself brought back to this. Trusting it is true. While not too too long ago you did in fact see, the layers or hanging curtains of reality part for just a little while. Folding inward out like fractured light off a cell of air. To almost as though it was almost like though. Some perceptive slip allowed you realize. Everything you experience as real and your life and here, now, is only a tiny layer to the condition or quality of existence. And you can know, now. For almost sure. There is so much more, out there, all the time. You can go to sleep and dream and wake up and forget the truth all the time but still know, deep down, in a part of you. Till right then right where you bridge yourself to the eyes of another in a small moment, having a conversation. And you’re having it and you don’t remember but there is a quality to the light, on them. And maybe you can reach another second longer being alive and maybe you can know it’s not just you experiencing all this condition to being human. Or don’t you, already. This, too, is a respite. And tried folding in-following in to the speck of the heart’s heart’s heart. Good scuffing good soft mine eyes distract feeling from itself knowing so beautiful, now. Then this, too, responding whole to it: this sound like love moving through the universe all the time, your own breath your own heartbeat carrying it through you. The can the can’t the will the won’t burying thoughts. The cool returning simple peace. The hungry the comfortably hollow space filling with warmth comfortably. Thinning time thickened life. Thirst quenching from gratitude. This zillion breaching arts being met with a meal and a bed. To face how you can scream into a microphone finally and feel for yourself. And come up finally from the splash to surface in splashes and breathe surrounded like a gel treasure in cool. This, too, a respite. Lying down on your side, say thank you. To yourself, to the air of the room, to God. Try to give God the benefit of the doubt. Try to give giving the benefit. To rest to be able to rest to be able to try. To. Hushing loving angels outside your life calling back like they care for you, knowing. Knowingly. With no clue, but trying. Trying this, too. Trying. To look in, for once for real for once. To try to be. To. Wait. Here. A while. For truth to be. To set in. Into you, well. While you’re here, waiting. For good, for once, for all time. West, west. Over and over for all time, it seems. West, west, west, west. To truth of what? No, to home, no. To bed. To rest. But that is home. Yes, that is true. Yes, we are home, now. Let us be. Glad. Let us be. Hopeful, for the good things—for the future. For all time, for all that time seems. Let us. Be. All. Together. You, yourself. This, too, a respite.

Scruff Post Zux One

This last entry is the first one I have read, and not. Good sanction on my own policies for self-regulation depending. There is the overt suction sound going when prior helms depress oxygen containment. In a vial I am ducking the exit to. To rend sifted sand already bright slipt through my hand. Telling few truths but somehow. Found out on my own my own finding out. Glass on my screen on life partially cracked but already so thinly. Here I am sensing always sensing sometime feeling that sense lift when I’m about to fall asleep. Then sometimes not, sometimes entirely gone. Pulling through this wakefulness desperate, sometimes. But not looking at things the way I should, and aware of that, and aware I should be thinking something more to the tune of not-having-a-song-playing-right-now or what have you, but still listening. Still having songs playing. The world already doing music with arbitrary noise. Birds and shit outside window. Cars. The electric kick of AC units. Neighbors. Dogs. Cloves of something in the brighter eye. Ex Wye Zee. Toning-in fire. Blue ways night. Gone-off wanderers visiting unknown place unkowably. Except with how they return later to tell you and it’s known. All this What am I doing now. No, to the point, spilling mess. Ticking clock of high-low. Safe but truer. Flown-on. Sponsored Kite. Run a tail of blades over the sky and tried steering it away from everybody. Myself my presence. What it is, whatever it is. Wondering this, too. To be honest still nesting waiting for something to take me by the nape and fling me out into void truth. While with heart hollering my last impromptu exclamation or goodbye. Some dramatic seriousness like that, haha. Weakness of mine this sick solemnity. Yes. But sometimes. Most of the offset zu-nai lakes beat like heart valves and repose glowing gusts of weaver fish with heavenly pacts and the like. You can take it all down and you can report to the side. You can become more yourself than you ever knew just by being alone. You can see this, too. Just by doing. Today I have changed locations and situations and mind in a very, very good way. I am now on my own and so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so breathlessly stupidly humbly fucking happy even I have no clue. No idea, but ho. Yeah. It is a good thing. And so, I will keep trying to do this. Now more. I will try to write to you as much as I can as I may as much as I can now, too. I will try to communicate with the outside world. I know this all self blue-eyed rum-haggard spunk-zoinked weedling bump I am. Still aloofly in love with this too. Still having my company alone with you who are not here, still loving it. Thank you. Thank you so much you have no clue. I am becoming more and more sure that there is a God. I don’t know. I don’t know. But I have faith, and that is why I believe more and more it is true. And listen to my feelings, that is something I also do (too much, sometimes). But I listen to my feelings and I listen and I find somethings sometimes, too. Some things like evidence of truth. Have yourself a mighty mighty mighty one. Take care.

Have This

To come here today, on this day, for this day of my life. With cherry Pepsi and Marlboro Red and humid warm porch sunlight, again, but it is today. And with Pink Floyd’s “Marooned” behind. Can you imagine how beautiful? I am stuck, just taking it in. Amazed how. The future, needing scheduling, is still far ahead enough to wait. I and me and everything, more or less, is right here. I am right here, with you. And I wanted to say how good it is, that we can share this. Too often the socked grinding noize of sawlike worry blazes loud in the mind. You’ll try to sleep, it’ll not care. "(“Wot’s… Uh The Deal,” now—playing :)) I about this song can’t explain just how beautiful. I’m so fucking grateful, now. You don’t know how so-good you have it and then sometimes you get an idea. “So let me in / from the cold / turn my leg / into gold / cuz there’s a chill wind blowing in my soul / and I think I’m growing old.” Relax and also know, here, we can have it all. Right now with us, without needing to own. This too your whole life leading up to today so-far. Jank nothing to do, and I think: that’s what I want my life to be concerned with, from now on. Soaking up the presence of whatever’s good I’ve got through all this and sending it sharing it out on a line through the world. It’s a good thing to do to remind yourself you’re still alive and able to enjoy it. What is your dream? I can say, I have known some very good people, and I am glad. Just to be here enough to notice or to say it aloud in my mind. Just to have eyes and to have them see. Just to feel like warm currents brush, brushing, bleak itself going beautifuler every second the further the finer. Have for me too a sense of now in this and pain doing fine but standing up still saccharine hearts wavering like sent balloons. Busting down like a concert going on inside you. Moving like an enemy to yourself getting along. This incredible instrument of light gracing me. Psychedelic guitars from a vocal arrangement. And still today you or I having this between our selves, things to say, things to leave unsaid, this-perfect silences to share because that is a good sign, and it feels good, like it feels right. While my hands work on this keyboard to tell you so I can hear me tell myself. Coming in frequenter, dipping out to less-frequent, softening signals. Thrumming up and mellowing out like recorded distorted electric instruments in heavenly earphones. Concerted effortful progress to enjoy your very own experience of being alive. Dreams of one day how kind of like right now there will come a time the beautiful things around you just are, and yes, your headvoice will dip in and say things, dip out, but they won’t be all negative and egoist. It’ll be that rascal wile of the dark-side meter every founded soul seems to usher. It’ll be something observating, maybe a little sly, but just another leaf you let float at the end. Because yes, I can, yes, still remember sunlight on the water and float breath, warm on my wet arms and face the sky cut around cloudy by banquets of spangled leaves and others near yet far playing in the creek bed while I float watching the vertical, how it must’ve been like the most perfect bed you had to submerge into to rest inside. And now with all the modern freakout internal, zinging petric sting often in the past but today only a day after you walked out and smelled the rain on the clay and felt like the beach, walking to the station. Yes I can remember being aware something more and remarkably good was there a part of the physical world in my sight and like senses. Perfect tine petrified movement of mind because much too to take in and remarkable. Don’t forget myself remembers. Still, and do experience, because I have this—all this—right here, too. And I hope to what is best you have some yourself too. To if there is a God fathomable or not, to thank God for you and to hope to God for you right now to have some of this in your corner, also. Don’t trap yourself old ornery idle inside brittlely hard where your heart’s softness should be, though I myself feel that strain taking over much of the time and so don’t feel bad if you do. Don’t be afraid to look out and witness. So much of what this bullish sense charges is another danger sign, but it does indeed seem to have fun, too. Wrecked cars, wrecked bodies, wrecked lives—all you others perhaps a lot like me. Destined despair dripping in silliness. Sadness, all that. Not pretending. But also how fucking sweet must all this warmth feel coming in from all that frigid shittiness? How fucking able are you to really reach, now. This too, clear, now, somewhat. Going in and out of it. But not demit to sleep when just now there isn’t enough tiredness, I can be here. Having this moment without the most thought. Having it more then, maybe. Descriptions up to you. Please be OK.

Downway Den Decline

But for laying it down, I mean—really,—laying it down. And understanding the potential like totally, that nothing may occur. That’s kind of what I mean when I’m talking about this sorta thing. That you put your whole self all the actual way out there. And you wear your heart on your sleeve. In a moment like that. But it’s more too, it’s burnt heaven’s breath smoothing out iron works for satire. And cologne like a sacrament to keep yourself safe or something. And tressed fill-lines on computer motherboards and sectioned off wards and swift nubs of celestial erasers bearing down on your chest to erase (is it you?). If the palled tall man suffering in a linen cloak by the fronds of the gate knows why he’s suffering, does he say? Hey. Halls of oats, and burkview, and buffering static mews from the banks. You may—you may—begin to become accustomed to this walking through entropy’s entropy. How ur-valdi sank in music to its own general tragedy. How the sentences voiced are like music—music. It’s strange. But it makes its makesense somehow true, in a way, and it—blinding the cephalopodic third-eye or whatever you find greedy skittering noam-berts cyclical numbers rotating endlessly, however wild. You know then I’ll feel like bleeding out on a day the clouds don’t cover it all.

Stretches. Vast inert stretches rumbling the clay. Gross cracks in the vert of the flattened sky. Hay slick with embryo, burden slick with hay, reality bumbling. All the make and model of the earth aging and aging and aged. My com-carset face ruling out name. In the mirror. Pretends he has dreamed this is happening. In the mirror. Hue before. Not a tangent to the light but there. A thought in your head wondering, “How did I get born? Don’t you remember?” I flecked brackish ire on the rails of the steps that led to the lighthouse in winter, wait. I presumed you were my own, you words without sympathy: you things I call thoughts. I presumed you were my own, and I fled.

The last gasp of me shaped. In distressed spino Dramamine. Terrified, lithium, agnate, brecht. Sloughed-off inked weird letts. In strained elven voices asking, What is the purer mask? And to not disrupt whatever wavelength frays, almost out of fear, just nodding in answer. There is a reason in fact that you dream the things you do. Ghoul fines for Bartleby. Drool lines in crest. Zoos of cute hypnautical creatures alien to the aliens and the natives alike. What has become of this house I call home?

Receiving word from No One, My Favorite Dying Sparrow

Not so much a checkup as it is a flood of sortof feeling. The title came in the same manner: climbing a wall by feel alone. As though I were blind grasping at a rockface, suspended. Because maybe something I’ve learned is, I myself can’t think my way into creating anything memorable. Solely to myself. Or maybe meaningful is more the word. I edit, yeah, but it’s more that I guess the raw mineral that’s shaped is the part that “matters.” See what I did there? I don’t know. But again it’s like, knowing is what my problem has been if my spot is on. If you even can know, I for sure don’t, and trying to understand by knowledge alone will never really get me there. Of course again all this’s under the pretense that nothing I’m saying is for sure, so, when I say “x is y,” there’s an understood “(I feel like)” stuck right in front of it. At maybe all times. And that can be pretty cagey feeling. Yeah. But maybe it’s freeing and I don’t know. The point is that, if I really think my way into a sentence I like from the get-go, it often just doesn’t work. And that energy feels wasted. And it’s spent, so I’m drained. The way that feels best for me is something like listening for what pops in the brain first. It’s pretty crude or whatever I guess. Like how the egg accepts only the first-there spermatoid. But it’s much better for me than pulling my hair out over what sounds best or gets to x meaning most artfully. What the hell does art even mean?

All of that pretty much a dragged out thought. Explaining something I can’t explain—which is what language in general does for me.

A story I want to get in the midst of. From a midnight signal. Recurring throughout my life as epic things inspired always by some media source on the outside. And mostly hypothetical. I skirt narrative with scenes involving characters never returned to. Settings and people it’s assumed are already part of pages and pages of a story that is going on. Some mostly do recur. The protagonist is vague and vague and vague. It’s been over a decade since I first started working on it. Maybe twelve years, now. Or thirteen. In junior year of highs school, I wrote a page about a conference in an office building. I was avoiding work in computer class. I would always do that. I think. That page became the springboard for everything. And that speaks I think to what really resonates with me about stories and media in general: atmosphere. It’s most always something oblique or tangent just far enough out of frame. Like what even is atmosphere? To me it’s another one of those things that can’t really be described or created. It’s interpreted. And comprised of the variable everything involved in what’s being perceived. Like, sure there is birdnoise at this park, but the birdnoise itself isn’t the atrmosphere. And sunlight, and moms with strollers, and a chimp throwing darts at a panicky zookeeper with a fu manchu. But these things themselves: none alone is responsible for the atmosphere. And even my definition I think now is wrong. Because even all these things together, when you perceive them, are not alone the atmosphere. And maybe alone they are, and together. But what I’m wondering is if there is something even more beyond what’s perceived. You can never put your finger on it with words, it seems. But it’s there. As though to begin to describe it changes it. In which case the perceived thing is not the actual thing itself. Or whatever. I often do this: I talk myself in circles. And it’s involuntary. But so: the atmosphere is for me kind of like an indiscernible white space between the lines of the matters at heart. You get this sense but cannot describe. I love that. That is what speaks to me. That’s what I mean when I say I love something. It has often to do with the atmosphere. It’s inspiring. Or motivating. Or I’m in awe either way at least a little. It’s that “one hand clapping” Zen koan sort of thing. You cannot put your finger on it because to do so would mean you don’t have a finger. I’m probably totally off there. Whether it’s doubt of truth that makes me want to say. Addendum. Could be both. I love the atmosphere of David Lynch films. That’s a marked quality of his work. Like a signature in how he translates what he imagines. You can describe it. You can describe it. Over and over again. I don’t know that the description is really the thing. What makes it valuable is that it’s something words can’t reach. That’s like an essence. That’s what makes it feel real to me. All of this, I’m reminding myself, applies only to me. Even if it applies to everyone.

The Golden Damned (XL): TIMED SUNS

TIMED SUNS

There is a goading there in liminal and deep space. There is a not-to-tell some wayward thing or set of things. Which is to transpire. Which is to go on. Which is to say, there is something going on that is the thing and that we don’t know what that is but that that’s OK. To know or be able to tell is only like a fraction of the problem. There are whole scenes transpiring in the mind’s eye. Getting fluctuated. Getting seen. This is but one of them. I am channeling, now, something like Terrence McKenna. Not really, but it feels like I am trying to. There is a way there is a wanting to escape from the esprit of the thing that is being said—the being said the thing, the not knowing either way. Trash bin words. All of them scathing getting tossed by. ¶ Fuming across getting variable sleep. The with-wash the wayward vagabond suspends in the sacred areyoudoneyets of the text ambling up stagnant walkers. Walkers’ entire heads only massive scanning eyeballs up the side of the mountain up the craggy face. There is no way really to tell, now. “Well oh dear, I hate to be unable.” But there is a messiness. The system you have created for yourself features a sum total of spiders’ legs divided by oceanic thrust. The surface area of the water so slight. Over our heads, like Jesus. The typewriter crawls over to the edge of the table where the writer sits, poised, on a strange trip through the inner self, sloughing off egos. A non-setter’s convoy ramps up to the edge of the maleficent face machine, projecting down from the sky. The letters to write are done in droves, hypothetically, in real time. The seven nautical sights. Harrowed flames bust. In coming down from nowhere, often. This is apparently the time. There is no way to tell, though. Again. The inner atmosphere sanctioned not to be a way out. Come up from the bottom of a pool screaming in the gray day. Not to know if this way’s our own. Not to know many things. The narrative breaks down. The angled grieves in the slow sphere going crazy, crazier daily. The half a way to no know. But I have heard you. I have come up from the nascent nothing to view the haphazard rights of things. All of this nonsense spacing. There is heaven in a little glint of dew. On the leaves of grass in the day, the story has been undergoing changes, and many of them are not remote. But an internal voice begins to wonder, What have I been suffering for? And the question rings true. There is no way of telling. In static shew or barren glow, the ending being nigh revels in nothing. It is just an ending. Not animate. Disembodied of time. The real question becomes, are you willing to try for a continuation? The lack of an answer numbs its surface—the surface of a way to displace oneself from the continuation. Time is moving on. But the horses the cowboys rode on to the edge of the cliff staggered there as if posing for an inchoate album cover, set apart. “The truth is,” says Nelly, “there ain’t diddly you can do about it at all. It’s just going on, right now. That’s the problem.” ¶ But what harping on what the chord was nedner secrets said it was not involved. There was nothing more to the matter, it seemed. Left and right, words were making way for nothing to transpire. Can you tell I am in my sacred era? Up and away, plants bend toward the light. There was a running game that was going on in the back of my mind just recently. Heaven-or-Hell’s width was winning over the cantripping scientists to their newly acquired real-estate. The beginnings of a mouth from the projection in the sky says, “Hey, can you hear me now?” There is still nothing really going on. But a lot of things, too. In a way that is all sacred. There are words being formed on the page whether they say much or not. And who was Nelly? The questions old embroglio asks are pointed in the direction of reason, and strained. There is half the way to a cheeky center’s plight. Not at all handed down. But become, a way. What most of this amounts to is really just speaking in tongues. Not directing an understanding this way or that, but really just practicing patience. There is a rile driving away the Bellham twist. A city of words copulating. The adrenal glands revving up again to make a case for the reasons they are even there in the first place. The party going on with people talking about themselves and the other people being talked about. Not a stout reason, but across many agues divined. Slotted into the dominant rotary compartment, Leftist brains flying doors-wide-open out for the dragon’s claw the flame was too blue for. We had to dare mist with what all was there for. And to cross a plane not at all separate but begging for it, separation, we held in our breath and recanted the slightest drive north. How can you capitalize on the iridescent splits of a wild-one alleging right and braking, breaking? Genius mancala meres sporting up a dancing pipe to set away a lasting ocean, again, for the way there is transcendence in hype. Groveling plastic sea. Under the projection of the maleficent face machine hologramming the sky. Would you have been able to tell? Blasted sheaf perchance upended in a rightful splatter the scaling of grace. No concomitant darkness to sleep in. No eye-shattering ableness to rail the brief. Saying in doneness the not-so-wary lost mind could recant its problematic stipulations on the lifetime. To be blessed. Latter words in timed suns. Heavenly freight to load-wield. Honey-masking gracious blooms. Toured tar and living unhavered. Gloss over this, too.

The Golden Damned (XXXIX): A CHIEFTAIN WAITS INSIDE

A CHIEFTAIN WAITS INSIDE

All of my tears are fears and all of my waking up blinking hearts start heavily panting at the rappings of the fist upon the door do-they-know-you, but I have written this before. This one. I have described myself as the mongoloid strange humanistically head-cocked thing with a ball cap on and earphones cupping my ears and long blond hair peaking out and I have been described, also, smoking a cigarette, looking back at you, not knowing what to say. I know, now. I have forgotten what all I said or how it was all described. My fingers bared and I do not know. Sometimes a heavenly portcullis closes over my blinking heart’s emotional face. When you’re walking up to it to entreat it to questions you have on the matters at hand, yae, we know. How and holy only you have come up to the gates to ask a question of me and mine, how have you? Calling up the center spree the not-knowing despite you, the all-things? This is just a jittery lot of words capsizing forever out one over the other like it’s nothing. Can you write out up here without sunlight? When it’s being abutted by the cloudcover, stalling weight of warmth? Can you cross the dreary plane? Together with the heat in the arms grown? I asked this to the heart-shaped sage whose visage served as a metaphor and he did not respond, but he did say… something to the effect of… How have you been, now? And, How do you do? Just some simple things. Maybe. But the words were spelled out in barley leaves. They were not taken down and digested all the same. We did not know for sure which was right and which was the way. There was no really telling, was there? Awesome suck-in-sighs the whole hearth of the earth played bree-leaved developed under the orchard’s way. Forever all of us piling up together spiritually basking in what sense of peace we can before we’re gone. I know. I don’t understand, though. It makes no sense how it makes no sense when all is clean and I am breathed in and disparaged. Waiting up for holding out the whole claim. We cannot see or eye you for down there. There are things to be believed. Husks of who I am now developing leaves. All these leaves, what’s this thing now? How can I not be busked in bright rays photosynthesizing somehow when all this sunlight brightens my brow? Do you touch down now for me? Heavenly how-have-you-forsaken-me? I don’t know how. I’m trying to perceive outside an addict’s mind. There are haunts where there are nothings getting spared out far below our eyes and hon I love you. Watch as the greens pale to cream and describe the rosy-filigreed skin of our bodies in the sunlight. In our individual rocking chairs on a porch somewhere in time. How has it come to you? For neither the outlasting nor the inspent overbearing out-of-orders have taken the place of the image on the screen. I have waited for you to describe me to you for me. I have waited to be described. Wholesome in heaves of breathing breathe for me breathe despite you wait while I dig up my patience and don it and shine. There is a joke numbing up in our throats a vast portrait of scenes. The calling-back of where were we now again?s and de-levered apparatuses shorting out. The calm hold-you-downs and not-despite-whats and nothing out sounds. Can you take me there in one of your airships? Do you have the time? I know. None of us seem to be morphing away on the water anytime soon, but I do feel this gelatinizing sense inside me bubbling out. Wait up while I call you. Far away and a part of me a part of you. There a name to this that has no sense but is wanting to be called by its truth. I having crumbled the page in my hands so it’s a large pearl with no nacre just a while plangent reflection of light on it almost a kind of sheen. A part of it a wide-swinging thrashing over the moon its own late-day rainbow in view. I’d wanted to get at what I’d been writing before, but I forget it now. There wakes up something in me so unseen it dreams a dream it’s visible at last and laughs as no one walks on by. There this canted sort of way each poem is chosen. A knot on brass to knock across the knee and make me belt it out the pain of mine that rings that rings that rings. True and only not knowing if this should be a way. Not knowing when it should end, but making it up on my own anyway and doing the thing over nothing often enough anyway. Home can I cross away can I cross you home? Waiting in disheveled light. Spangles all around around. Not a single bluish eye to seethe this way a brief despotic night can creep up in the day and be just there by the dusk. Spin its words and play its games; it is not a healthy name it has to say, it spins and spins until the whole world’s vertigo. Calm my storms come up beside you. Rhythmless in listless days and nights away alone in room despairing nothing’s getting done. Wait and croak a lonely day makes itself a largely whole uncovered wave upon the shore. Wait and hope it’s not in vain and stay a while and smile when or if you can at what you can. There’s no telling how it’s right. There’s a lostness to the saying that we are what we despise. Keep it up, dear lonely duck, keep on swimming, let the water run like nothing off your feathered back. Float on lakes, leak and glide inverted light, numb and daze away a chieftain waits inside. I swear I swear I swear.

The Golden Damned (XXXVIII): HEGELIAN ESPRIT

HEGELIAN ESPRIT

Not in darkened doors, in yae in darkened hallways there are ghosts whinnying like horses to imitate a scare. In the hearts of the listeners through the walls in whose rooms mannequins are moving toward the windows to spy the cows in the fields out there, no, in the fencing, yes, at the edge. There is a weirdness to this place. This house. Imagined in the mind. As all things imagined find themselves in a place like. On the air, too, but imagined. We are coming down, too. We angels in Hegelian esprit proffering angles on the scene in the stills of each tape’s cells. Coming to on a table in a dining room in the dark. Not for dinner, yae, not for breakfast or lunch, but for all time this sense fading there is something being lost you have something to do with the forgetting of, the angels and their offerings of film strips and their ways of making you wonder together with your feverish dreaming what is going on, not a single answer to be had yet. Not a single way to the place you want to go. With no roads there. A wonder. I know. There is a man on the corner selling pot asking you why you move like that and how does he know you and where are you from? And what do you say to that? Hold up, fine specimen. There’s plenty of fun to be had yet. Not a single scripture could foretell the kind of rapture in your heart you’ve got going on now. Not a single speed link of line spread could detail the way you zoom through each platen’s line and rollback and wade a stifling sneeze over the edge of matters elsewhere. No, wait. Ahh. (Choo!) ¶ Have you yet been told there are ways to deal with the knocking off the matter the not knowing which control lets you reach lightspeed in your spaceship the wonder how improbable it is you’d hit a celestial body of any sort just going speeding infinitely straight ahead. There is another knock at the door. Can you get up? Can you answer it? There is a stranger selling magazines wanting to confer with you about a sale going on through the door. He is standing on the porch licking his lips, thinking of green-green money. Paper bills. The like. The wonder of it all. There is a new sofa gone sailing down the river someone must’ve had wrecked off their truck bed over the side of the bridge. Who knows. Where it came from. But there it is: with the icefloats. Yae for tomorrow’s timberline a series of mint-whiskered fallabouts wondering Why and Why is their life so grandly gray and Why and so on as the trees fall one after the other to the sounds of large buzzsaws. Godly gravity taking hold again. There is an emptiness past the fragile mind being sober. For so long. Almost seven months. Something like. But yes it has been some time, and yes there is a wonder there about what to do with oneself now that all this craving has reached back up again into the realm of the heart—of the gnarly-headed mind. A wonder with headphones on, listening to Pink Floyd. The need to relate to some imaginary reader some imaginary place in imaginary time. The imaginary city of the damned, with steaming shrubbery. On the edges of the sidewalks. Over bridges. The imaginary lie. A lie within a lie. A series of words some old crazy sober man says which make about as much sense as you’d like. This is not a set thing. Just a rambling on the things which fall off all the like, the sense the page is an ocean and we are all wading through the edges of it to the sandbars where maybe we can wade again and stand upright. But there are stories. Waiting within words. Within stories. The way. There are ways the stories get made but make themselves nonsensical that way. The green-green dollar bill’s raging at the floating off of property into nature. The going-away for all time. The wonder. If it’s a life sentence. In a body we operate like watching a movie. You’re meant to serve or not. The wonder. The lack of a place-name. The way. ¶ I pull off in hundreds my thousand layers and eye what husk of myself is left in the mirror. Wonder how high I could be right now wanting a blunt or something, wanting something. Wanting almost anything just to get high. There is a jety stream falling closely behind your body in the air as you upend your ass off the table and go warily for the door. Have some conversation. With some salesman. About what he is selling. Not known. To anyone, either one of you. Not known. It is a wonder. This vague sort of emptiness going running through the veil of the mist in the day the time not well spent but well spent all the same, all of this getting recorded by ANGELS yes by ANGLES yes. All of this getting recorded, who knows. I wonder. The dreamy dreamy quality to the havingslept oceanic-eyed still somnolent bastard writing wearily on an Underwood Star about the whole experience of the dream, yae. Not a care in the world except to spell out some words, mayb, but also the wonder there is a way to, there. Snow atop the ice atop the river, now. There is a sheet of white pooling up over everything under the snowfall, here, in Montana. This is not autobiographical. This is just a singsong way of telling you. The same things. I’ve always said. In some way. This is not the end of the sentence. This is not the end of the paragraph. There is a want to. There is a dream of. There is a way back. And it is not through the opening of the door there is knocking at. It is not in the waking up or the doing the thing in the bedrock, no, yae, no…. There is water somewhere natural being frozen, and that is the way we know, sleeper, there is water in the way there is a way back. Oh

The Golden Damned (XXXVII): PRIMARY LOVE

PRIMARY LOVE

These words have all different meanings in the circus of life. Well done wine proffers a delight to your eyes. In sky tones. Delivered meaning. Crying out to blue, in sway, a seed of truth. Plants grow on the opposite ends of our size. Needing breath. Terastalized deception over now. It’s all-damn-right. We can’t quantify the Gretchens’ corporal minds. 3 or 4 or 5 of us in dropped daylight. Surface beams a many manic weathered days. Over us in secret how a balloon flies. But depth-left of center, just ending on an ocean of glazed rolling eyes, again, oh… did the carnation buffer in the windspritz onward where its petals loomed for a lot on light. There was the beginning of a want to be all right again. That same twinge in heatric, with the fervor of a sinner’s heart. We may yet equine—I’m sorry: opine. We may yet opine that there are bricks as soft. So tell us. Few of you you have might to tell us of. In Hondad rivulets let gloom in to night-light. The same shame a nevered fjord would’ve ankle-blasted to step a few. That was the recourse of a humbled dash on spittle’s maw. For famed old divorces of a humbled ash on jetter’s few. I know it not all the time, son, way-long. Some of us living in the light can’t afford to. ¶ How to more fully conceptualize entropy the leatle-winks of aspry droll. And all our heads have rolled—but not, son! You have known just as I have known what it takes to become a person in this day and heat, one. You have surfaced on the face of the sun in dreams overwhelmed in vats lost of starburning retrogrades. You have made this palace a home, a home. And for once would you, oh honest simple thing, re-relate the incidents to the ones about the wall? They have not yet heard of us, or our suns lights, or our stars’ worlds going hypertrophied in the vast desolate grayscale of space. A metric ton for a fact still left over. Implausible darkness at the edge of them all. You who would wait for me on the other side of a fall, I am grateful that—yes, I am grateful that you would wait for me. I do not know what else to say now to y’all. ¶ In principle flashly, despite what our cants have in sight, I know—I know—I know, I am not prepared at all. There is something like a lie being told at the center of the self you can’t get over but will, I will you, now. To. In Decembering fervor while it is January still yet you do not know. I cannot pick you all up like that. Not just like that, no. My wallet is lost somewhere and the bed makes us red, va. I had a dream I was searching for the love in serialized beds, with inflatable dancing alien sheens being breathed through, protracting. I made friends in disappearing projects against the plight of bulldozing machines and ampterfuge. I found lost paint pallets with secret compartments whose messages left had a gang of thieves wanting my number. I’d had to recall all parts of me I believed in the bluntly sexualized rhodo-bombs’ cartaways. It was another empty scene in a dank tent tarping over everything. I understand just as well as you, sometimes, mirror image you, loved. Though not always as completely and always as the foresight to your expressing understanding. Never with the same gestalt or shrike. ¶ There are ampules of God’s plasma being delivered to covert botanists working on the shame girch whose lurching in at the sight of gold specks on the rhotorific leaflings is spire-eyed and tall. Not a hundred percent on anything, seemingly. Primary love is shared. Unchle-thwait lemmering seafring. The bastard head preparest. In its own sea beloved hash-bowled. But primary—yes—primary love is shared. There were ways we hadn’t come to delight yet, and soon so… over the ways there were heights yet unsoothed so. ¶ Combing separate orchids for fate runes. Apart from these, too, handled briefs. A lark a tall-tale sees. Perhaps is more than lay our alligator-eyes called. But rung up in fine tune the delight I got to hear your voice this once. Before it was everywhere, everyone was speaking through. Soon enough it may’ve become a question. The toke race might’ve been oblong from the looks of it, but we weren’t going to pretend yet it was oglevie’d oft. Per tracks in the frequent seams they might have already caught on but to tell the truth we were fun to read. Then and now in loud packets. There could’ve been another long false start apart from us there. It was the brain on its own ticket doing the dime shimmy down where the skinny departs. Not that we could underdo the frequent packs. This or that one, what did it matter? I had gotten the typewriter, but the damned thing didn’t work too well. I’d had to constantly readjust the ribbon feed so as to allow it to be stricken hammerwise without the thing flying out and gunking the reem. You could maybe understand my delusion. It wasn’t seen. I could’ve at one point believed in us as apart from the vagrant tanks. It goes on and begins to come back all a sudden. This sickly sense you could not recall fully the sequenced pops of the off-kilter brief flee. You could not tell at all you were going to become this thing. Yet here you are. And here we all are, found wanting. Wanting us, wanting you. Apart from ourselves our own hearts reeking. Separatist flights from what has come down. Altogether the doff start. Not to part, but to part all the same. Waiting in vain. Apart from what you’d want to. There are escalators waiting in the day. No explanation why. Just the same old thing, that voice, getting tired.

The Golden Damned (XXXVI): APPARENT RAVES

APPARENT RAVES

A knock us all want in waved hands to ride the air on a gale it’s great. ¶ Test a random twist of fate on the long-boarding long johns out there just catching the waves. I know you want to, Salamander. The air might’ve fucked you up the way it’s so late. I don’t know. I’m not responsible. But know you, too. Know you’d want to understand what a hurt faun knows is its way. Crawling up inside of ourselves with this paranoia we’re not being understood, unwilling all the same to show ourselves even to ourselves. Unaware, wanting it that way. ¶ Now we climb in common many lies as weights. I hold out my hand to you and you subform into a glass of white wine and cry. Out over your brim, unknown. To yourself unknown. To the world unknown. All your tears being washed away through the rungs of the latter you’re not so well balancing on any longer, no, don’t fall, don’t go—no…. ¶ Well I feared you, you shadows taking name. I feared what you’d become and pretended I didn’t want to. I walked out on a wave frozen in time and sighed. Always a wave with this one. Always a wave. Blazing arrowmathed warp-hearts throbbing blobbily, twanged. Zhizhing new arondith lack but you later saved a want for a need. Whatever that means. And to preparest leads a light a life not tangible bleeds wakes in morning sprite. Not adonis zeniths in dreary pays. I plunged my feet into the ocean. Again, now. Waves. Clamoring for best work. Not a hindsight sought for you. And wiggly wogglies flib-flob about the wayze. Lesped in might in tame. Dreary angles protruding from the haze of the city you’re in where the steam grows and grows. Tine a right to lethargy. Bricks by bricks by bricks’ light. In the ochreous brood tale. Purchased fine-line sacrament. Tired eyes waver. What it is I don’t know but it’s not its own. Ingenious eye to load. River den river den-den-den-deden. Harrowing slight-of-hand maneuvers going on in the interim between when and where, not known. ¶ Cat’s pajamas fly and sweet. Going clung-on clasped by the cat who can’t fit into the pajamas. Way-done wacked-out nubile frontierswomen gesticulating stage-right to the great trail there is not a set for. Glaciers moving slower than ever. Nothing actually accounted for in that way. While the levels of pith are furrowed on in the ash-gray heartrot’s Heimlich-saved beating spree a pox upon sweet dreams. Not the lay deframed painting. Not the only way to go, now. Many ways to go. Saucy in swing with the limp-ish angling of light to where want would go. Not in the season’s greeting card you received in the mail which involved a cartoon from childhood you’ve loved since then and a warm note you cherish from a loved one. A lot of love. Warming the icemelt delivering naught wiles. Per tub a grievance about water getting colder still. Not that you aren’t warmed sitting in there with the world still and time at a halt, some. There are saviors to be glanced in your past you cannot imagine now. Frankly beauteous button-nosed zithered hearts. Climbing up a rosy collection of raybeam, sotterswild, nutherly, plank ace, gourmet Fushimi, nutmeg, wallop-thorp, green grass and sweet pea, healer’s sparks, nascent gluey, percolating hilts, grand-ah-V, not-a-worders, not-a-things, placid jungle cats, blurry helped guests, at-dinners, attractive hips, whole water balloons busted free, soaking the pavement, an organic spatter of water, a long-long overdue hand with things, not alone, amblux, tortured screws, whalesongs sung, apparent raves, etc., etc. ¶ Insult to the maze of shrubbery a large Greek glass folding itself molten along the creases it makes. Zig-zagged brief flees. Ha-ha-ha-ing Santa Clause. Maybe/maybe-not, but who’s to say. I’ve come to try a flair to see. The ending the ended-one note of spares that does not prevent itself from sounding out-loud loud as sea. The freeze of trees—the freeze of the tree line. ¶ In a way just—and, in black and white almost—just scared, like. To have anything intelligible that might be good enough to read in a book I should’ve spent the time working on instead of this nonsense. But it’s just the way I want it to be: imperfect: nonconcomitant. So where bleary forces smash imperceptibly dust motes along the long screaming hall of the windy-ing atmosphere, there are all sorts of drags getting taken out of cigarettes and things like that. All this way all that. You never really know. But so, yes, we have taken it back down and, yes, we have learned what we can but honestly basically nothing. We might have found a way but it is hard to tell. It is hard to tell if it is too late or not. Or what’s the case. But the loving mind of it all is speared apart a locked gloss of Grecian castoffs’ lanes. There were no mere words to put to the lockjaw going. There were no forcible utterances or mastered shrake. Apart from the sin mil varnish the black desktop held its gleams in and reflected some, there were little dew drops—honest—on the thing; the window had been left open. Some humidity and morning’s air had gotten in, that way. You cannot tell for sure the look of the actor on the screen. The background is dark, and so is the actor’s face. There is just enough lighting, though, to make out a nose and lips and ears and cheeks just about and something like a wiry hairdo going thisaway thataway and not anything really besides that. The frame is unforgiving. Where the penguins march off the glacier to spryly jet through the arctic waters, so in much the same kind of way copies of yourself waddle onto the staged screen of your mind. Where like players in the play they say their parts and walk off one after the other after the other. And nothing is lost. And nothing is over. It is only just beginning. All of this everything.

The Golden Damned (XXXV): CHANGEABLE HEART

CHANGEABLE HEART

You’ve got to get through the tall grass stalks to make it to the glade, he said. He was holding a winner’s ticket and I was lastly frozen in plain sight looking into my own dreams inside my head and not seeing one that corresponded to anything here yet, wondering. Many clotted inks to return one, vibrant shape. Elusive lest in the bar maid’s voice. Crying out VICTORY in a small voice. I at my table drinking a pint down. Wondering where in the sequence I’ve arrived, if what is to happen has already happened to the God who looks in on my little life and sees. The plain light not tomorrow. Who knows. There are ghosts like birds perched on the eaves and radio silent. Quad a cusp like a log enough. Riddling bumblers. Being shot astray by whiskey warming the chest up. Predominant figures losing touch with the greater crowds all glistening with expressions of sweat description. Not in such a way. We have lost you. But over there beams go lots of loud. Into the outerbreak cloudwreath overhead where the pale drying blue to dark purple of the sky describes them, too. Away a wantward worship one and only receives away from the bishop stretch across the board and rook’s minute paranoia of hexagonals coming on in a fearsome way. Meal accordian gray. Coming light on right one way and not another. Delivering depths to depths and not in vain. These gruesome truths about us high time to be a certain type of thing, which makes no sense. Under an umbrella I watched the rain fall. Through the rain falling I watched the sidewalk. Through the sidewalk I had a daydream. In the daydream I was in a movie and it was brave. There was music being played. I did not know it in my world, but the shapes were perfect. All around me. The S-vectors closing in. Spinning wheels deliberately arching. I had a dream where the pirate’s cast included me and we went around the small world to various places. Doors opened up for me. I was leading all these friends to victory. Friends I’d never made. Wonders in our way. Not a chance relived. I packed a waterproof bag and fled by the large man-made tide-lake. To the other side, where the mission was and several more were gathered. And I watched from the tops of buildings a world of roofs. Clay shingles orange and red and brown and in every direction, concerts going on. But this was another dream—not the same. I walked from the top of my head to my toes. I folded myself into a circular coffin. It was great musical roundabouts going laid down in earnest getting frayed by the light-switch of eyes looking on from the top of the key the point disguised as person the person disguised as one of heart. I watched it all conglomerate in the end wish’s left off reprieve bath, where my mind was washed clean from all the drugging and boozing. And I did not know which a way. Again. The dark center changed. Millions of miles of milky brackish things low to the ground asway. I’d come up from a dumbest down I could not account for the meaning of. And I lived my own life my way. I was not separated any longer from the truth, then. White and violet. Eyes and eye-ends. Portrayed for semblance peaks. Of mountains made of dust storms. Len ver Nay crowed. Hindered nothing. I had a dream I was somebody somewhere with a mission through a fray to lose and cry VICTORY. Just like that. Just so the dreamer hears and says himself in his sleep the same thing. Whoever is listening God only knows, I love them. Let the words be and stay in your heart a way. That can change. Listen. The changeable heart. Forever in the flow of things. Ripping a match across some sandpaper watching it light right up red and rosy. Placing the flame to the tip of the wick of an oaken-white candle, waving the match out, and watching the candle’s flame. There are parts of the story not even you can handle, Lord God. Just kidding. I don’t really know. All the time. The fool playing tricks on himself starves to see. What the truth is and doesn’t seem to manage. Ever to know. For himself. What the truth can be. But do I know. Not at all. A freeze away from dumber still but not resaved. A cross marked on the floor of your chest with the tips of your index and middle fingers and thumb. Shoulders the crossbar. Forehead the crest. Where maybe an angel’s halo plays freedom from the earthly plane. I pray by talking aloud to the breeze and the inner room I’m slumped away in and the positive ambience all about me. I dream midday in a nap only God could really love and I love it, I love dreaming I love the sway of drowsiness pulling me back down to sleep again and I love lying there sometimes lifting myself up a little and falling back down to my side. Sometimes in all my clothes still, my jacket a cushion, just taking a nap midday. I want to understand some God’s code, some of everything. I want to make a peace with this still wondrous heart under the river of the mind’s noiseless breaching ray. Then for laying itself down in the soft kitch, green river person goes. Aswim this way only fish can. Type myself up a mirror image of love and loss and deceit. Type of way to the image in there you make but never see after it’s made you never prove or approve to yourself for your own sake. Higher dimensional fugue states lumbering out from exclaiming doors opening up down white-walled halls where the dreamer takes an old friend down the way in their janitorial outfits to commence the mission. By which time he must awaken. To the dark room and the time being 5:55 or some other brazen coincidence, wondering what’s going on. With the outer matter of life and grays. How the noise hits. How it sounds. What’s to….

The Golden Damned (XXXIV): SPINNING WHEEL

SPINNING WHEEL

Leaches to burn themselves briefly, oh mix of rain. A writer sadly letting himself have nothing to do does nothing. Nothing gets done. Spiral eye were oh ver-veering shame loss a trapdoor forever shallowed. Triptych nonsense and what has become of you. Sometimes new words get used. Forever lost in part of the helm uplifting the sea across the vain grew to small hath wa portions. And hath wa knew. ¶ Constantly at thrust away from bay where solid states emit a while. Bonding while it’s just a way you offer the blanket a smile like hey have I warmed you? In jit away gleck formed a part of iron clad in paper waves grown apart the ripple enlarges to encompass the way each circle forms and dissipates and then again a harper’s few. To become to-tulle a white away. Way in havvard stray. Por ton a light a man. The regardless endophry glattening the frost humors off in distant sway. Pretense por light ag mendra. ¶ The aggen frenda heavenly setters moving the car with their bare hands. 2-foot-2-foot-2-foot cube lumbers over tip-toppling the way to the ice elves, again, who get mentioned, but get summered, too. Raff-ling serpentine sports for the blimmer spots on the frog-coat Lucinda walking tall through the open alley. ¶ The very end of the road is not a place you want to be but have to go to. ¶ The frog did methamphetamines. Claustrophobic yawn-ditz Eiffel-tower-style breathes. Hamming-bones with a bunch of oxidants. Cruxing the spendthrifts for billions of G dollars. Not quite all alone but somehow something like all alone with the deprivation of silence. Bing-bong-ching-chong-ching going the falling dradle per-clasp aglance a sunglint against qhiter days long. Not to say this or that about the thing but to then eventually to mask the self behind the face. With the face in brusk. Not-light vernal days spinning brisk and bright above the dome of clouds for which there is dreariness all below. Not a question the asker saves but something to be had about the not-so-frequent blunt being smoked. Had and lipped and embered and loved and swelled with the smoke of the bud in the wrap and gar-gutted and licked sealed and flame-creased and rolled. Smoky O my control station going remote on the dark side of the planet’s roll. Around sun ceased a climb of lights we survived on the planet for long enough but could not condense all our most commonly used words and verbiage and syntax and lexical strengths down into a single beautiful sentence for God to hear us pray up something like prayer being reading like all tolled no one understanding the headstrength given up. Gone goopy with the love cross lace livened alive growls imbibing sloth furnaces and chalk streaks. ¶ The surfaces of the leaps lengthened and I a lone traveler along the air there watching beside myself my own ghost giving up stalled as time went on nothing cared. For centuries of long lost qualities to the off-centered wreath on the door of my palace in heaven or hell who knows. My little cottage hovel little home. ¶ Distanced from this place and told not to come back again and old again watching the frozen embrace of another swall en swellinger frell der nithium addum brawl. Watching a dance of words go on. I am brought again into retrospect to the center of the line to see what is going on and all the light in felled heaps stretched again all the light again all the light all I really talk about and all or nothing and all the time and dreams and waking up and being asleep and taking climbs and falling and falls into dreams and all the life. ¶ I like it. I swall. ¶ I rek’d senseless stipped of pride and hauled away. The wrong sense lied about whoever walked away, I know. I wasn’t there all the time; I was never paid. I walked away. ¶ Quail a sensed egg less in May and, stale, tell the story you wanted to. No one will judge you either way, and if they do, well, hey, go fuck yourself—you tell em. So googly-eyed Yay can watch from above as God and judge for real my actions on here. I don’t pretend to know what doing is right and what’s wrong and what’s happening half the time anyway. Yay is gogged, smacked and rayed. Yay is smily-faced-eyed and frowning going “Hey, there. Hey, there” half the time. Whole moose conniptions grommets ply wind and bay fool the locked synth’s sounds out of thick air and pummel ear cannals’ walls hey. Frequently in flight set to auto-recursive ambience and growling glows the hairpin turnabouts mauled hey. Frowning. Don’t frown. Upside-down that shit, hey. Cromming a sequence. Hey. I know now, not but. Hey. ¶ Get your ass over here, said the angel to the listener from the burning side of the house’s wall still lighting up the bowl anyway trying to feel what dying is like. Terrible numbers drifting museless calling-carding the able way not still not moving not qualitative by-the-by pall-anked skurred of glimmers in the night where inspiration like miniature lightning bolts strikes down from the doom clouds. Whole amphitheaters of gray. The sweat on my hands making my hands caked. Veiling clots of mumbled numbing jelly verbiage hey. Not a knot on the head or anything but something like that—some kind of remote pain. Going on frequently in the back of the head where mind’s rumbles sense the world. Squashing off delayed days. Sincerely awesome plumes of rice. Not known to the freaky jays but heard of sometimes in the smoke-filled soothrooms. Forsooth to say. Wile your turning-rounds with glintlight and prick the hand on a spinning wheel like what’shername. Sleep for a long time til love has to come and kiss you on the lips to wake you up from a scary dream. Wonderful and strange. This world, so near danger. Half the time. Anyway. Mind melt.

The Golden Damned (XXXIII): DROVES OF DOVES

DROVES OF DOVES

Duwen along the lightlong feathered array of the birdlink’s partridge for flight. In the sky no decides-yous can halter the gloaming debris, which fall out this way all over everything it’s as though a slpash has been made. While lit down in the center there a port of gin has to statuette the ludes, commissioned since. Telled for tripe, scant a clue as to where the mind’s gone. It ripples out swazward skettering plans to bring the boys back home. They all know right there are entryways here, back home, where they can walk through and be back in the place they used to cry and sattleswise and prim and delude themselves in. They can smoke full-strength goddamn American cigarettes and cry cream bluescent tears again and wade out on the air draping an continentally large flag over the land behind them. Let us try and strip the ego off ourselves if we can, now, you and me. They are pretending all-right it is a thing, I know. I’ve seen the signs. All right.

            Do ‘way with the wanton flesh flights of sand from my rib bones. Onto the sunken shoreline. Do truth to my name make amends with my hands. Prepare me a weak vein I may get shot up in. After the ebb where my own blood becomes me and then easy, easy, easy. The rest all a show of sorts I demit the errors of never corrected love to watch from my invisible chair off to the side out of frame of life where there is a thing of peanut-butter I can eat with a spoon. Watch the show from. ¶ I am getting convinced, now, that what is going on is the case all right. I know I’m not a dandelion getting blown down. I know I’m not a sequin split off the dress her ladyship replaced, oh. I know I am only a part of the make. That she brushed her flames of fingers up her inner thigh alone in bed at night under her PJs thinking of me once, putting the point of her digits’ pads on the peak where the feelings melt and hard ascends. As Pink Floyd’s lyrics say “So you / thought you / might like to / go to the show.” and I become a flesh print of myself in spent drifts. I watch as long lost lights and repeated similes get used up as though the well were getting dry. I feel I see things sometimes only I can see. Wondering if the repulsive aspects show through as much as I figure they do. I lean my head back against the wall and look away from the keyboard as I type so I can rest my eyes a moment, returning them only when I’m sure I’ve mistyped something. ¶ Qualitative ramparts reply to my single-edged lies’ fraud. High-sent away from the pinnacle not least to prepare a ghost for death again. Second death. The ways apart our bodies mingle and divide rightly away and become convinced itself there is a type of sleep you have that takes the place of acting true: being. ¶ I know somewhere back there we lost the license plate of the heart. So the identifier’s strange, now. Not any longer the same set of characters, and still not personalized. I put myself on the plane the stage was on to become the florid laugh-out-loud system getting throttled by its own flywheel escort droves into the crowd of flagella loving waving around as much as anything and what it meant to be a thing was not anymore the same, either, so we were all divided in some vast remarkable way. The point was not to think; the point was to say.

            Did divide intuit the root-house for you? For real?

            Divide, did you?

            I Watched from outer space my sunset on a dog’s tail. I felt strange floating out there like that. I watched from outer space the world go sunlight-sticky horizoned off endlessly like a placid floating ball. I Watched nothing and everything all at once in my own capacity, always tending toward one extreme or the other or both. I know, it is all very strange. I want to hold to you what I can of myself if at all possible. I become slightly shray and frill-dive. All you have to do is model the words for us. Put on a show, even. You can’t repeat the second-death’s lingual fortitude. You can’t become the light on the edge of the candle’s wick getting burnt always foreseen in a dream’s jungle endless bliss ore of telling mined at godspeed nondescript. Djee Fair Lin Possible. Bent over the railing moaning for daylight to come visit the world again, because we do not all understand. And just like that, sequenced out, the heyday hall-mark movie sends its scenes in dalwart tripping-esque purloining screening off Lombardi looms. Printing c’est prod vie engreened blues again as always said we cannot make it any clearermuch, can we? The quire comes to the show to explain something for the audience, I know.

            Not it goes the similar the ways the not-so…

            Underneath the practice of the strewing out of sanity walking home.

            We all can’t come a billion places to time at once from a single frame.

            We all can’t be the be the one.

            We all can’t understand the stand the reason why the reason why you shame your shame yourself yourself.

            Holding in our praisest blooms of lifegifted square marks ending on the cigarette’s packed-tobacco end before it’s lightinged up.

            Ssssssssstrumming the gggggguitarrrrrrrrr with a ffffffffiinnnnnnnnngerrrrrrrrrrr’sssss ennnnnnnnnnnnnddddddd.

            Coming to with a pain in your neck not default to but told a story somehow beautiful as ever can you not be surprised?

            There are whole heads halled given over to the acid reflex.

            In the sense we are swavers’ wrifes.

            Told not to watch as the scene goes up all suites.

            Inside one of which the main character fucks herself leaning into the bed begging God to deliver her from pleasure’s shackles. The unique human privilege of being alive and having to suffer, too.

            The tantric drama dimed and limey and bawled and delivered from the edge, again.

            The gas on go-time for when the show is zoned. The zone’s show not so go-time on the edge—sss a vital bliss, it’s show-time!

            Told not to go but because we are here we can tell that… what we see is what we see and maybe nothing more, but who knows…. It does not necessarily occur to us all the same. But look, love, as from herspirage aldro font. There bernaise lur pre greviste nes nes sa salmo….

            The droves of doves released to light.

The Golden Damned (XXXII): MIND IS WASTE

MIND IS WASTE

The mind’s sore character brainwashed by love. In a heap inner meant, there was a lady talking about how Jupiter, Saturn, and Uranus were all in a line, and I can’t remember if it was a dream or not that she came from and said that in. But then, I can’t remember a lot of things. And “I think it was a dream,” she said she saw it out of her telescope. Maybe. But to rise inner lines, maybe, in descend. Did you walk off the time with a separate face? Did I know you then? Was it meant to be hard to be lined by a separate way? Ozymandias. ¶ We could become the ambient sounds we were listening to. We could watch as the world caved in. We were the two knights in contrasting suits of armor—yours was silver, mine was black. And the theory put forth by the reader-writer was that we were different. And I didn’t like it; I didn’t look back. But would I be able to get a late addition, I wonder? In the season I was meant to change or not to the school of hard-enough knocks? Was I weak for assuming I didn’t know? There were cables running through my skin from heaven which seemed to move my body for me and by whose whim I did not know. I seemed to stare at the early morning sunny sky and ask, “Have the angels fallen yet?” without a shred of contempt. It was honest; it was earnest; I’d wanted to know. But there were separate films still by which me and my simulacrum would toast: to the dying of the day and being able to drink and eat together. Starshift in blimey lights and watered grave. “Demit to strive” still the long old watered way. Hi-Heime Harold and Crow. Let us barometer the pool those witches came from and not-so-ways emit several pointless streams. Careening past the windows’ homes of our childhoods on besoms being carried off by the wart-nosed apothecaries. Bleeding fine light out our arms as the branches scratched them up and pearl color dripped from the scratches into the disforbading night. Wall of caves wanting reason become the scratches’ frum in batches of froyante. Terrace of the loner willed in weeps where he wrote the signet charm onto his heart’s area over his chest and watched as his soul ballooned out from it and rose above his own body, into the disforbading night. Walls where calls were taken concerning the way a beetle-bug writhes on its back to try to get back to having its legs stout on the ground again. Pointless glows. Great parts of a great person being seen. Acknowledged. Total prepared shock of a noiseless scream out in space where the heart beats quick in the cold—the coldest it’s ever been. Holding fast to stock. ¶ But where camp repeats endless repairs on the engine, said. Great tines of old reasons to be sifting effortlessly out to Oxbenoze. Oxbenoisey. Treft leffer’t clemb. Haggen-Das Spinozas drifting carelessly like ice melt off a glacier into the grand sea of unknowing, reftable embered parts of ships gleant in grommet cloves and dispersed again. Hitherto unawared of righteous ambulances fitting close to the sashay sweetness of a dance partner in vain. Believing not is you once is close. Believing haggard is day zany and wrong over limp edges of notes. Trying to understand for once and all time the break-away and not for once gathering the light in tines of belts to ebb in soft and not break, but hey-heying the soft-soft and light-gathering and grounding out the blunt force trauma of the ground on my face, your heart beating as you watch me fall. Thank God he wore a helmet at least, some might say. Where in tears les diamonds welt and fade. Quarter come-to most. Unknown on behalf of itself, the reaching plays. Games like what it means to be fractured so bluntly by the end of the hand repeating like a puppet’s mouth the words that don’t get said very often by the mind in bray and the mind in bray softened by the harsh cold of outer space and outer space vast in float.  Poor ended florettes banked on the smiling way the sun departs over the mountains and I am one. What most never occurs being fastened to the front of the ship the car we swerve we drive in high speed godliness uncomposed. Cantrip frozen fastened spokes of lissome winsome hopes and sharp. The niceness foregone and robbed itself of the way we’re supposed. To do this thing to do that thing to fall forward to be willing. Altogether the same. All the one thing. All my life in a shoebox. All my head forward in the oven waiting. Could this grasp repeat its hold on me could I understand. There were oh so many ways. To smile, to have to wait. By the light of the slow-moving sun the fast-moving sun afade. A race upon a spinning planet’s wade in wireless draught temp. I spy on my emotions from a high place in my heart. I wait for us to land softly again. I wait. I hope that I see it and I pray. I hope and I pray. There are wonderous reasons why who-knows-what goes this way into gray for all time and I locked on the inside of my heart amidships watching the gray tone shift white and black and gray again and gray again. All the fluctuating harps in space ringing noiseless with no air for their soundwaves. And Hague left attendant preps the yearning blessed moss to grow upon the planet’s face. I call from the wall within my Captain about what to do with this. How to let go of life completely, as my Captain did. How to walk upon the coals of death and grit my teeth rightly through the pain. I called to ask also how my Captain was doing. Because life is so short and I don’t want to miss these brief little moments where we’re able to catch up a little and be glad.

The Golden Damned (XXXI): POINTLESS STREAMS

POINTLESS STREAMS

The fullest cold till became what of a living man was good would call his life and too much spent on for daring to understand what the fish is doing on the side. Never mints does sathe. Ruplin for dear ashen trays gone empty tossed out to the grass which absorbs the gray. Then mittens down to symbolize a sway away from trury aln apart us our frequent minds across a climb to neversent aspergies. Always a climb. Always a climb with this one, a climb. Duth suth would say. Carry ending symbolized embryo punching out the white lights of the eyes who the man was the sun. Despondent. Even if it was nae to veg out over the couch’s arm like a ragdoll slunk down to the psalms, edges blazoned eyes. ¶ Never sensed the lily pads were key caps getting stroked by a giant’s fingertips, invisible, typing stories into the nature of the thing—halt. What stories? Dalmatian bear cubs formed out of scoops of Oreo icecream. Crawling up sundries a totem pole buried in honorific ice sprees. Not a sink too soon. Between me and my own penguin brain. Scannerific, the plural fume for yer old boon on sangsway met my own down there in the gut of the ocean. Wondering why this way was a fish’s way. ¶ I propered ire for canters the way Kafka depicted himself as weak but at least offered profound truth—I have no truth, on the other hand, to offer. That having become a part of it for me I’m not too proud of. Maybe even which forms regrets. I can’t be sure. But there is still honest a part of it for me in the blanketing snow pounds I sense with a season of grace to be good. This cyclical turning over again and again repeating sound. Returning us brief in the lucid outlines of angels not understood manning the trumpets we can’t play looking over confusedly at one another asking ourselves, Well, what am I supposed to do now? and getting no response. The untypified lender’s brush with death was a good one, when he was me in the vehement swirl of casters’ glaze to wit a sum. Carry us somber off to the place echoes travel when they’re quietest, oh, and the later stage. ¶ For toons a cupid’s runoff nonsense babbles riled a billion bits of hoff. Some arrow placed in my shoulder when I was the dreamer walking the halls not knowing which way was the correct one to walk down. In love with the floor I could’ve sworn had just changed on me again, but could not be sure because I could not remember what it had looked like just a few seconds before. The shapes in langue for rites of passage the potter’s wheel spins up a comatose slab of wetted clay for throb. In the heart of the passage. My own infinite tattoos gone mid-dissipation like ash risen off the skin. The beautiful vernal foul way. Not to do what a one might have you, but to raze the crypt from the comb and comb your hair with your fingers so it’s out of your face and wake up again with your eyes still open in the dream and wonder… the same thing all over again, I suppose. The same thing. ¶ Blue balloons risen the necrotic ancestor holding one the signs of life all stayed. In forever clues oldened napkinned grease crumpled too on the table by the hand of Rosculoe, whose theories on divinity range from the skies themselves to the plastic spoon. Recurring characters in our lives all the words we use. Limited feng sui to the room I’m in that is mine but not, writing this. Little dobbles of granular light escaping horizontally behind the word processor’s plane where a video depicting slowed down feature-length footage over the sounds of ambient videogame music plays. All of it slow-seeming, nearly hypnotic. Not knowing which way’s the right way, staring down a hall of gray whose floor is snowcapped whose doors are closed except the one at the very end, the source of daylight. Walking walking walking this way. Past door after door unaware of my name. What would God’ve said? Don’t you know? ¶ No, and the secrets piling up beyond obvious a cause for alarm in the grays. The grays piling up a cause for celebration in hell where at the frozen heart I am petrified in an ice block of my own tears. Grace. Did you get the reference to Dante’s Inferno? Grace. This is helping me supposedly, though I don’t know how, and I am not too staid. A waste. A wonder why the words appeared at all and a race from the inside to the outer reaches of the place. The same face that looks at you looks at me, too, and it looks like—heavens, is it already this late? Come, come on. We must be going. I pretended to have some of it all together when the signs collapsed. I pretended to have my heart set on the ipsrumal omulan ricketing my lapse into face. So, who is the subject here? ¶ The same old thing admit we don’t throw but we know in a way we don’t have but we walk on fires for we don’t see but we feel with the callouses of our finger pads going gripless away the donning of glue hues and fickle veils lifting up and a nonsit pad whose words are a triptych for the colossal haze going on outside all the time, wait. There are reasons behind things sometimes after all was my last revelation, someone’s last confession, my final ace. I put up a poster with your name on it and I grazed some Caesar salad and I waited for space. I was tired of writing the thing was the thing. In drevay lack crulomm desonai sufruel. Clopping hooves up the street this way.